So yesterday was the first day since I started this that I didn’t publish a post. I kept to my challenge for myself of writing daily, but my writing yesterday was just half formed thoughts and notes.
The past few days have been a ride of ups and downs, a lot more turmoil then my typical holiday season, and I’m trying to recover. I’ve been thinking about things I need to work on this year and one of my new years resolutions will be to get into better shape. I have long since dismissed the notion of their being one most attractive type of body, that bullshit society feeds us about is has no use to me. Losing weight is something that appeals, not because the number on the scale indicates self worth, but because it may assist in taking the strain off my knees. What I do know is, as I am now my stamina and strength are in the shitter, and my joints ache. I feel like I’ve aged more in the last year, than in all my other years combined. Pain is becoming a daily background noise, and if I can treat my body better and reduce or eliminate that noise, I will be a much more functional human.
After the past couple days I realized getting back into a state of good health is a bit more complex then my half formed plan to do more yoga, cut out the foods that my nutritionist told me were causing my digestive issues, and work on eating a more healthy options as a whole. One thing I really need to work on is self care. I tend to push myself until I hit such a low energy point that I don’t take care of the basic things I need to feel okay. And that’s how I end up sometimes with my room a mess, trying to count the last time I swept or cleaned the counters, looking in the fridge and having a snack of pickle juice because I pushed to the point where I was too hungry and tired to cook and that’s the only easy thing to grab. I feel some times that I have a put together facade made of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and it’s all about to topple down.
On the other hard, life isn’t just about failures. While I’m currently perilously low on spoons, and high on desire to make some changes so I can make sure I don’t push myself to this point in the future, I also see that I have great support in my life. I have spent the past few days trying to help others through some hard times, and I could see the way people in my life really reach out and care for each other and go the extra distance for that. I also know I could count on those communities if I were the one needing help, if I could get my head out of my ass far enough to ask, since I struggle with pride. There is a lot of hope though, this time of year is high tension, high stress, but also a time of new beginnings. And I’m going to do what I need to, to feel renewed and go into it on a good note.